Parent – teacher relationship

Devang ties his shoelaces, looks for last time in the mirror, takes his school bag and walks down the stairs. His mom watches him from her balcony and waves good bye as she watches him disappear into the crowd. He walks down the narrow lane that is populated. There are shops on either side of the street. He stops at sweets shop and smiles at the shop keeper. He does not speak but the shop keeper understands his gestures and has known him for many years. He hands him one sweet without charging him for the same. Nibbling on the sweet he reaches the school bus stop and waits for the bus.

But he is five minutes too late. Not finding Devang at the bus stop, the bus driver had assumed that he won’t be coming to school.

Devang does not know that he has missed his school bus. He has no concept of time and he waits at the bus stop for five hours till the bus comes back after school hours and bus driver spot him at the bus stop and asks him to go back home. He is a special child. He suffers from Microcephaly, which is a medical condition in which the circumference of the head is smaller than normal because the brain has not developed properly or has stopped growing.

Both teacher and the mother did not worry about Devang because they were not aware that he was at the bus stop for five hours. Both did not know that he had missed his school bus.

This problem can be avoided if there is proper interaction between the parents and the class teacher. The teacher of a special child should be aware of the child’s problem and should find out why the child is absent from school before the school prayer assembly, preferably by making a phone call to the parents to ask the reason of his absence on that particular day.

Keeping and maintaining parent-teacher relationship is the first step towards progress of the child. Parents of the special child should be involved in child’s activities. All the activities that are carried out in school should be continued at home. A proper record of the child’s activities could be maintained by both, parents and the teacher, so that there is a follow-up. If the child is doing certain activity at school but is sitting idle at home, then the progress is slow. Most of the confrontations between parents and teachers result from lack of communication from school to home.

The parents can be informed about the classroom expectations for student’s behavior and work product. They can be informed about the daily schedules at school, what the management and discipline strategies used on each child and what progress has been shown by the child. It is important to keep the parent informed about the upcoming events, units and due dates. They can also be informed about the skills taught and the learning strategies used in the classrooms. This kind of information involves parents and keeps them updated about the child’s activities at school. If the parents have an email, teachers could regularly post information and keep them updated. If the child shows some unusual behavior at school, parents should be informed immediately so that problem can be detected and immediate attention could be given to child.

Interaction is very important between parents and teachers. Sometimes parents have one point of view while teacher have a different approach but to maintain a common harmony is what that determines the progress of the interaction. To create a positive interaction with the parents, it is important that teacher does not wait for the call but makes call regularly to build up the relationship. Talking in positive way, they can get the information from parents about the behavior of the child at home and his relationship with other family members, his likes and dislike, his preferences in his food habits, his relations with neighbors and all other details. The parents should also be given the liberty of communicating with the teacher when the need arises. When the parents know that the teacher has interest in their child she is likely to be more co-operative in positive discussions.

Knowing the child closely helps the teacher understand him better and this in the long run helps her in organizing the lesson plan for teaching him in the creative manner.

A must-have hand book for parents

Wanting the ‘best’ and doing one’s utmost to facilitate that ‘best’ in our children, comes naturally to most parents. We stretch beyond the available resources-time, energy, finances, efforts etc. to provide an environment which would enable optimal growth in them. Our dreams for them are noble-we want them to be responsible, confident, intelligent, independent, creative, ethical and good.

The right dreams, passion for those dreams, sustained efforts commensurate to that passion is there in us parents, yet the results that we should have, are not. Despite all our industry we see our children struggling with- low self–esteem, anxiety, packed-schedules leading to burn-outs, stress, loneliness, boredom, obesity, depression, to name a few. We often find ourselves lost, exhausted and uncertain on the righteousness and efficacy of our parental efforts. Our parenting style comes from what we value; what we see around us; what influences us; how we were raised ourselves; others' opinions. Often we struggle, as new parents, with our own values versus the values of others. Consciously/unconsciously we get into the measurable achievement trap (grades, trophies, variety of extra-curricular etc.) where the ‘child’ becomes the product that we are developing rather than thinking, intelligent, whole with his/her unique desires talents and individuality.

Our instincts tell us that something is not right, yet what is, we do not know. Kids do not come with a manual and the jargon of work on parenting is often conflicting and polarized. We have all felt and still feel this lack- lack of proper understanding, knowledge and information on:

The child vis-à-vis himself/herself (child’s native interests, strengths and level)
The child vis-à-vis us (our expectations of/from him/her)
The child vis-à-vis the world

This book essentially addresses these three issues.

Some questions which I struggled with during the course of writing this book are:

►The Child

Is parenting about my child or about ME?

Unconsciously, our parenting is so loaded with our expectations of what we want from our children and what we think is right for them, that we disregard their native endowments, interests and strengths. Our knowledge of the child is also clouded with the overwhelming anxiety of the child vis-à-vis the world. The omnipresent fear, ‘will my child carve a successful and happy life in this fast-paced over-competitive global world’ influences and shapes most of our parenting strategies.
We forget that each child is endowed with unique qualities and the fundamental need to discover his/her place in "the world." But before he discovers his place, he has to discover himself. Each child has the inner desire to learn, grow, and become independent. And most importantly he has the right to his own bent. We need to trust that our children are following their individual timetable for development. Can we trust in the bigger picture even when we don't see it?


►Growth and learning

Is learning the result of teaching, or the logical outcome of curiosity, observation, experiments, mistakes and understanding of the learner?

We must provide a congenial environment for that learning to occur. Children are like sponges - absorbing all that surrounds them. We can provide them with the tools-materials, exposure, space, guidance, security and freedom in a loving, supportive and encouraging environment and hope that they reach their potential; we can’t reach it for them. A certain sense of humility and faith is required-humility that I can provide him the tools for success but not the success itself and faith that my child has his unique endowments which he will actualize at his own pace. My focus should be to help my child transform his/her natural curiosity and interest into a strong inner discipline and motivation. A question that I have often asked myself in this context is, ‘Am I going to let my child find his own level?’ Winston Churchill said, “Where my reason, imagination or interest were not engaged, I would not or I could not learn.”

As a conscious parent I must always strive to understand afresh:
How do I draw a line between:-

Freedom and guidance
Discipline and permissiveness
Space and control
Structured time and unstructured time
Independence and scrutiny
Being a guide and being a friend
Challenging and supporting

►Children as witnesses to our path

I am my child’s living example. What am I modeling?

If we do not model what we teach, then we are teaching something else.
I want my child to be persevering, am I so?
I want my child to be a good human, am I so?
I want my child to grow, am I growing-as a parent, individual, human?
My children are watching me make my way. Not about what I do, but how I do it. Not about my parenting style, but my personal style.
Says Joyce Maynard, “As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can't tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself.”

This book is a compilation of:

►My experiences

I am a mother of two girls and we often had open discussions and debates; question/answer sessions; introspection sessions; experiments in handling issues such as anger, fear, failure, relationships, education, learning, absorbing, etc. My children struggle with me almost as much as I struggle with them.

►Research

Research- from books, journals, magazines, Universities, Institutions, etc. dealing in child psychology, philosophy, behavioural sciences, pedagogy, strategies, attitudes which work etc.

►Interviews

Of childhoods which have worked-I interviewed people we look upon to, from all walks of life. I went behind their passions and challenges, their everyday life experiences and influences which have shaped and chiseled them to what they are. Some names are Kumar Mangalam Birla, Jaya Bachchan, Sachin Tendulkar, Jogen Chowdhary, Mrinal Sen, Hemant Trivedi, Kiran Bedi, Javed Akhtar, Shreya Ghoshal, Jonny Lever, Pandit Jasraj, Harsh Neotia, Anup Jalota, Jatin Das, Darshana Zhaveri, Tanuja Chandra and Sanjeev Kapoor.

I interviewed ordinary parents-neighbours, friends, colleagues for their experiences which made for insightful learning.

I interviewed about 500 children aged between 5 and 12 to know what really goes on in their thinking minds and their magical world.

This book deals with:

Attitudes that we want to develop in our children
Love of learning
An open mind
Optimism
Diligence
Perseverance
Responsibility
Courage
Confidence
Sensitivity
Sense of humour

Ethical values that we want to inculcate in our children

Honesty
Empathy
Humility
Respectfulness
Kindness
Generosity


Gifts that we need to give them

Freedom
Imagination
Creativity
Personal expression
Security
Love

There is no one right way, but there is a right direction-which is to keep in tandem with the child’s natural self, if we can do this in a loving and respectful manner, we will have done enough. As Osho said, “Everybody is trying to make you somebody else, whom you cannot become. You can only become yourself, or you can miss becoming.”

Lastly as parents the healthiest thing we can do both for ourselves and our children is to grant ourselves the freedom of a few mistakes which we will inevitably make along the way. For a planned parenting strategy however detailed, falls short in many real situations. Besides children are resilient – we will not lose them through a few mistakes.